The Middle-Age Bucket List

What’s on your bucket list and how often do you cross something off the list?

Popularized by the 2007 movie “The Bucket List” with Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson, the term is seen in prose as far back as 1785 in the book Unfair & Unbalanced: The Lunatic Magniloquence of Henry E. Panky, by Patrick M. Carlisle. Put simply, a bucket list identifies those things you’d like to accomplish or experience before you “kick the bucket.”

I’ve seen a few different approaches to the bucket list. Some people create elaborate lists of things they are never likely to do. They rarely get to cross something off the list but continue to dream that, one day, they will climb Everest or have sex with their celebrity crush.

Others create separate bucket lists with themes such as travel, adventure, sports, or food.

I don’t have the organizational skills to maintain separate bucket lists, so mine is a conglomeration of “probably never going to happen” and “totally going to happen when I find the time and money.”

One of the great things about this stage of my life is that my budget is no longer depleted by the constant financial hemorrhage that is raising children in the United States. Instead, I’m able to spend some of my money on my own travel and activities. I’ve been to several different countries. I’ve seen the Acropolis, the Cliffs of Moher and the Golden Gate Bridge. I’ve backflipped out of an airplane, jumped off the Stratosphere in Las Vegas and ridden every giant roller coaster I’ve come across.

If you don’t have a bucket list or don’t have the budget or adrenaline addiction to tackle some of the same items that are on mine, never fear. Here’s a more practical bucket list for consideration.

The Middle-Age Bucket List For Homebodies

• Throw out all those cheap plastic hangers and the metal ones your dry cleaner so generously gifted you. Actually, keep one of those metal ones to unclog the vacuum cleaner. Splurge on the padded, no-slip hangers, pants hangers, wood coat hangers and lingerie hangers. If that is too spendy, at least make sure all your plastic hangers are the same color. Or go hog wild and color code everything.
• Finish every unfinished craft project. Sewing? Woodworking? Scrapbooking? Doesn’t matter. If it was worth dropping the cash on to start the project, it’s worth completing. This also doubles as good marital advice. Multitasking is great, but do your partner (and yourself) a favor and stop failing to finish.

• Go grocery shopping in the middle of the night. The aisles are empty, the shelves are being restocked, and you won’t have to fight for a cart or a parking space. You aren’t a salmon. Stop swimming upstream while you comparison shop for low-calorie salad dressing. If you can’t stay up late enough to do this, going shopping at 6 a.m. also works. Night owls and early birds both get this worm.
• Garden nude or in your underwear. Be thoughtful — don’t do it in the front yard or where the neighbor kids can see you. No one needs a public nudity charge on their record. Be smart — wear sunscreen and a hat, especially if, like me, you burn as easily as a marshmallow at a Girl Scout campfire. Be smart — mind the sharp implements. Maybe update your tetanus shot as well. Can’t be too careful.
• Take a cooking class either in person or online. Most of us have some medical condition that requires a special diet. Maybe a French cooking class, heavy on the butter, isn’t for you. The key to life these days might be “Diabetic Cooking for Dummies.” Bon appetit!

• Buy matching track suits for you and your significant other. This is not only cute, it’s functional. When you lose your husband at the state fair, it’s easy to ask others, “Have you seen a guy dressed just like me?” You may have mocked older people before for this fashion trend, but I know you secretly wished to, someday, achieve that level of not giving a damn.
• Find new friends that aren’t the parents of your kids’ friends. You and Bobby’s mom have little to talk about when you aren’t in the bleachers watching your kids play football. That’s ok. Don’t force it. Wish Bobby’s mom a good life. Find a friend who doesn’t know you as someone’s mom or dad and doesn’t have deep-seeded resentment because you were rarely available to drive carpool. Start fresh. Take back your individual identity!
• Get your dream pet. Is there a breed of dog you always wanted but could never have? Go for it. That kid of yours with the dog allergy doesn’t need to come home for the holidays. This is Fluffy’s crib now.
• Take a spa day. You deserve a little pampering. Go get a massage, a chiropractic adjustment or accupuncture. You’ll feel great afterward. You don’t even need to go broke for a little “me time.” Chances are you have a relevant medical condition, good insurance and a doctor who makes referrals.
• Start a new business. You’re already spending nearly ever second of your free time on the internet. Make it work for you. Check out affiliate programs that pay at least 30% commission. You deserve your share of the billions of dollars being generated through asinine 10-second videos on platforms owned by the Chinese government — or a dweeby rich guy who will let sex predators create content that grooms children, but banishes you to “jail” for telling some jackass to “drop dead.”

The bottom line

Rich or poor, adventurous or risk-averse, young or menopausal…don’t stop making goals for yourself. Realistic, affordable goals are still something to which we can aspire. Bucket lists don’t have to be spectacular. They just have to remind you that there are things you want to do and life is short. Even the smallest sense of satisfaction is a win.

And never forget, without a goal, you can’t score.