Empty nest: Shoving the birds out without having a breakdown

Congratulations! Welcome to an empty nest!

This time of year is a common time for kids to head off to college and some parents are experiencing, for the first time, a void left in their wake. So, what do you do now?

It may seem like an absurd question. You may think, “Pffft. I’m glad they’re gone. Now I don’t have to worry about whether or not they ate, do their laundry or live in the chaos swirling around most teenagers. I’ve been ready for this for years!”

Chances are you’re lying to yourself and what’s really going through your mind, and your heart, is something much more sentimental.

When you raise kids, you invest an enormous amount of time, money, energy and mind real estate (just made that term up), and suddenly not having to do so can be jarring. It can sneak up on you. You can be smiling at the airport as you drop them off, or as you carry their brand new perfectly matched décor up to their dorm room. Then it hits you like a brick to the head. You’re going to miss them. A lot.

As resident advisors stand at the doorways greeting families with a smile and directions to your child’s home for the next nine months, they should hand out those little packets of tissue your grandma kept in her purse. You might not need it until you get back in the car, but it’s best to be prepared. Wiping tears and snot on your shirt sleeve is not a good look at our age.

Your feelings are valid

Even if you aren’t dropping a child off at college, but have a child who is enlisting in the military or simply moving out on their own, the void is the same. And so is the hole in your heart.

Maybe you’ve dreamed of this day and already have plans to redo their room at home.

After I moved my stuff to my college apartment, I left the country for nearly a month but would be staying a final week at home when I returned. All I left behind were some clothes, my bed and a dresser. I left them in my room where I thought they’d be out of the way.

When I got home, exhausted from a transatlantic flight with three layovers, I found that my room had been commandeered. My dresser and clothes were in the garage and my bed had been given away. For that last week at home, I slept on the couch and got dressed next to my dad’s drill press while my mom enjoyed her new, freshly painted sewing room.

Even so, as I hugged my mom goodbye a week later, she started to cry. I realized that taking over my room was part irreverence and part coping mechanism. She was hurting.

Although I’m sure she quilted her way out of it.

I wasn’t the last kid to leave home. I was the first. Her nest wasn’t empty, but she still went through a mourning process that snuck up on her. You might be in the same boat (or sewing room). And don’t let anyone tell you that you shouldn’t feel the loss because you still have other kids at home. Your feelings are valid.

Embrace the change

But what if it IS your last child to leave and you find yourself wondering how you will redirect all the focus you once put on them? New hobby? New job? Downsize and move? Travel?

Yes. To any and all of it.

If you have been putting anything off until “the kids are gone,” do it now.

My former mother-in-law used to pout and say, “I guess you can all just put me out to pasture now that you don’t need me.”

In my youthful absolute knowledge of the world and everything in it, I would roll my eyes. I thought it was ridiculous. She had the budget and the freedom to do anything she wanted, and she chose to sulk. Looking back, I realize her words were a passive aggressive cry for help. Without the internet, it was tough for women to know what their options were. Instead of purging and repurposing her son’s room, she left it as it was the day he left home. And it stayed that way for 15 years. She withdrew.

I urge you not to do the same. If you no longer need to volunteer in a classroom or for the PTA, drive carpool, do carloads of laundry, coordinate sports and social calendars or nag your kid into doing the dishes, you are still needed.

Your children still need you as they spread their wings and learn more about the real world firsthand. Your partner still needs you as a happy, functioning and purposeful companion and lover. Your community still needs your heart, generosity and wisdom.

Even more importantly, YOU need you.

It can be tough to know how to start building your life will be in the absence of your parental duties. It can also be a lot of fun.

Some have even chosen to spend their newfound time helping the rest of us gain perspective and direction. If you haven’t consulted a life coach, you aren’t alone. People can be hesitant about asking someone else for help when they’ve been the one helping others for so long. It can be humbling to admit you don’t have it all worked out.

If you want help from a life coach, I can recommend two — Tammy Miller and Carrie Richardson. I know them personally and they have servant hearts that found their empty nest purpose in giving practical guidance to the rest of us. Feel free to contact either of them even though I don’t get a finder’s fee. (That’s me…I give and I give.)

What else can you do?

Aside from seeking the advice of a life coach, there are steps you can take to find your new normal. I know many of you are do-it-yourself people.

1. Acknowledge your feelings: I’ll say it again. Your feelings are valid. Let yourself experience the process, which can include sadness, loss and loneliness. You may even feel these simultaneously with excitement at the possibilities before you. And that’s ok. You don’t have to feel a certain way.
2. Embrace change: Change or die. It’s that simple. Nothing stays the same. Fortunately, humans are remarkably adaptable and resilient. Give yourself a chance to explore what the changes in your life offer.
3. Stay connected: Before I left for school, I wondered how I would ever handle not seeing or talking to my mom every day. We were very close. Cell phones were new, texting wasn’t an option and long-distance calls were expensive. My phone bill was astronomical. Today, we have so many ways to stay in touch with our kids. But be realistic. They are busy adults now. Show that you respect the transformation they are going through by not taking it personally if they don’t immediately text you back. Princess Leia said it best. The tighter your grip, the more they will slip through your fingers. I know she was referring to star systems in a galaxy far, far away, but it applies here too.
4. Socialize: Many of our social connections come from meeting other parents through our kids’ activities. Some of those friendships fade after the kids leave home, but it’s still important for you not to isolate yourself from the world. I struggle with depression and my first instinct when I’m sad is to shut everyone out. It is with this experience that I say “Don’t.” That’s a downward spiral that makes you misinterpret and resent others. Invite old friends over for dinner. Join an exercise or crafting class and meet new friends. Even if you are having fun online with Facebook friends, socializing in person is unmatched in its therapeutic benefits.
5. Rediscover your interests: Take your craft supplies, musical instruments, gym shoes or cookbooks off the shelf and dust them off. Drive a new carpool – to yoga. Are there things you want to try but your time and money were spent on your kids’ interests? Get out there and try them now. Start a blog, audition for community theater, or start a business. New interests don’t have to be recreational or expensive.
6. Volunteer or give back: I get it…your sense of purpose came from being Wonder Woman or Super Mom. Redirect your time and passion toward a new cause. Get involved in your community. Run for office. Contact your favorite charity and share those killer fundraising skills that raised $75,000 at your kid’s last school auction. Homeless youth advocates will gladly distribute those homemade lunches your kids loved. The opportunities to help others are endless.
7. Focus on self-care: My last blog entry discussed this. Self-care is not a sin. Be good to yourself. You made sure your kids ate right and got enough exercise. Do the same for yourself. I like to play music that matches my mood and sing. Badly. It startles the dogs, but it’s cathartic.
8. Seek therapy: Again…ignore any stigma you might imagine exists around seeing a therapist. Their 100% objective insight and inquiries can help you uncover what’s driving any continuing feelings of sadness, anxiety, or depression. They can ask the tough questions your friends and family are too polite not to ask. Socrates is credited with saying, “The unexamined life is not worth living.” Socrates was a smart guy, but he was wrong. EVERY life is worth living. However, a little self-examination can be helpful.

Above all, be open to whatever comes next. This too shall pass.