Don't throw TSA's tubs (and other advice)

Hello again!

It’s been a couple of weeks since I’ve posted. I could say that I was busy every second and simply did not have the time to type out a blog post. But that would be a lie.

I HAVE been pretty busy, it’s true. But also true is that I have not made the time to write. That’s on me. #NoExcusesNovember

I’ve been traveling the past few weeks, and my travels come with a certain amount of “adventure.” (Refer back to my anti-bucket list for additional context.)

Exploring the great pyramids of Giza? No.

Climbing into the jungle canopy in Brazil? Also no.

Pissing off TSA? Yep.

Don’t throw the tubs

I have a sleep disorder called hypersomnia. I take medication to help me stay awake. In the morning, it makes me feel like Ms. Pacman racing around a gameboard. I’m not a patient person by nature, but I’m even less so soon after taking that pill. (No, it’s not speed or meth.)

Recently, I had an early flight to Nashville and everyone in the line for security seemed to be first-time travelers who couldn’t figure out how to manage the strip-down you have to do to go through the TSA scanners. Tubs, bags, shoes, more tubs – all flying around as people hurry to get through.

So many people were walking away from their tubs after grabbing their stuff that I couldn’t get through, so I started stacking these empty tubs. Admittedly, I did so with a bit of haughty irritation – like a mom picking up your dirty socks off the floor AGAIN. I was so far away from the stack with the last one that I sort of tossed it to the top. It slid right off onto the floor with a loud clatter. Everyone turned to look.

“DID YOU THROW THAT TUB????!!!”

Flashing through my mind was the warning sign I read before getting in line. You may have seen one like it before. It said they would throw me in jail and kill my family if I misbehaved or back talk while going through security. (I’m paraphrasing.) Be cool, Kim. Be cool.

“No sir! I was trying to be helpful, and it backfired. Sorry!” I replied as quickly, respectfully, and deferentially as I could.

He waived me through with a grumble and a stern look that clearly warned, “Just give me a reason, lady.”

As I took three trains and a dog sled to my gate out in Siberia, I thought, “This would make for a better blog post if I got arrested.” Not sure I’m willing to suffer that for my art. Yet.

Note to self: Wait to take my Pacman pill next time until after I get settled at my gate. You know…right before I swim upstream onto the aircraft and stuff my widening middle-aged butt into an ever-shrinking coach seat next to some random person who, quite frankly, could be a serial killer, but is, for the next fours, my travel buddy.

“So…business or pleasure?”

My back hurts

Traveling in midlife is uncomfortable. Everything hurts. It’s hard to reach things. You plan your experience around how much you might have to pee. And you simultaneously pray you won’t be near a crying baby, while you ready your internal mama bear to tear into anyone who has the audacity to shame some poor mom trying to manage a crying baby. Always need to be ready to protect someone from entitled jackasses.

Maybe that’s just my approach.

Just don’t be “that” guy. I will mock that guy.

And while I know that a juicy confrontation on the airplane would make for good content, I’d rather just plug into a movie and spend my time in purgatory without incident.

I’ve invested in some travel items lately that I will share with you here. They made my trip less uncomfortable and less inconvenient.

A classic cross-body bag with locking zippers, RFID protection, slash-resistant body panels and other safety features. This one has an interior pocket for a water bottle and surprisingly ample storage.
This clever and lightweight travel “pillow” that is really a brace, of sorts. It doesn’t need to be inflated and it’s not bulky, so it takes up less room in your carry-on bag. You won’t need to wear it around your neck like a dog collar as you run to your plane. I hate having things around my neck, but this was like a light fleece scarf, only I can tilt my head slightly and doze off.
A solar-powered fast charger for when your phone runs out of juice right as you start taking photos in front of that awesome landmark. This one is lightweight as well and fits wherever your phone does.
A Bluetooth eye mask that won’t smear your eye makeup — much. The fleece versions are comfortable, washable and will play your favorite music or white noise from any app on your smartphone — that is, if you have a downloaded playlist or pay for WIFI on the plane. Because it blocks out light and the noise around you, it does double duty.
Laundry soap that looks like dryer sheets. If you will need to do laundry on your trip, these are a MUST. They weigh almost nothing and come in a package that’s easy to stuff in a side pocket of your bag. All you do is throw one in the washer and it dissolves into the load. Super easy.

Pack your sense of humor

In case you are game for unsolicited travel tips, keep reading. But if you only come away with one single piece of advice, here it is:

Pack your sense of humor. No one wants to deal with anyone’s crabbiness while they’re trying to get over that they spent $800 to feel like cattle. Go with the flow. (Ironically, also like cattle.)

And take all advice with a grain of salt.

Kim’s Travel Tips

If you want to meet the locals, complain loudly. This is especially effective when you are in another country. Everyone loves to help travelers feel right at home.
Traveling light is for chumps. Pack every item of clothing you own for the climate you’re visiting. You don’t want to find yourself wishing you’d brought that ONE pair of boots that would really make your outfit. It’s important that people you are never going to see again appreciate your epic sense of style.
Don’t worry about learning another language. Everyone speaks English if you speak loudly and slowly enough.
Post a story on Instagram, tagging Alaska Airlines. Demand to know why they don’t have in-seat TV screens. What is this? Medieval times?
If you don’t like the food where you are, your Uber driver will know how to get McDonald’s.
Take photos of your hotel room from every angle. Your Instagram followers need to see all 24 square feet of luxury.
Only visit the overdeveloped touristy spots and skip the charming hidden gems that locals hope you don’t stumble across. Authenticity is overrated.
If you’re on a romantic getaway and want everyone else to leave you alone so you can enjoy your special someone, have loud arguments in public. Keeps that spark alive.
For the best sightseeing experience, stay glued to your smartphone. Experiencing the Eiffel Tower through your camera lens and your Instagram feed later is just as good as enjoying the moment while you’re there in person.
And finally, if you ever find yourself in a picturesque natural setting with amazing natural structures that have stood for thousands or millions of years, be sure to leave your mark by knocking them over or carving your name into them. You’re THAT important.