Self-care is not a sin or character flaw

Guilt is the hallmark of adulthood, especially if you have kids. And it is at the heart of why we don’t focus more on our own well-being.

There’s a lot of encouragement out there to spend more time on self-care. But how many of us take that advice? Too busy. No childcare. Costs too much. Too tired.

In essence, we feel that spending money on ourselves is a sin or a character flaw. We think we need to spend every spare dollar on the kids or our home. If we have the money for a massage, we should spend it on new cleats for our future soccer star. If we have an afternoon free, we should spend it cleaning the house or catching up on laundry. If we plan a vacation, we should bring the kids along because we’re terrible parents if we want to “get away” from the little darlings.

A case of the “shoulds”

Years ago, I went to therapy to recover from PTSD resulting from having a c-section without anesthesia. I spent a lot of time talking about the things I should be doing — things I felt defined the kind of wife, mother and woman I wanted to be. The therapist said I had a case of the “shoulds”.

The challenge she gave me at the time was to do something I SHOULDN’T do…intentionally. Not anything illegal or immoral, mind you. The point was to see how it felt to go off-script and to test how bad the consequences were of such a choice.

So, I left the turkey in the freezer.

We were taking the kids to grandma’s for Thanksgiving. I was assigned to bring the turkey, which meant I needed to take it out in time to thaw and cook before leaving. People were counting on me to bring the sacred bird around which we would all gather and give thanks like a Norman Rockwell painting. Surely, I couldn’t let the entire family — and all of America — down by ignoring my cultural imperative.

But I left the turkey in the freezer.

Instead of taking a beautifully roasted symbol of gratitude to the family gathering, I showed up with a cooked turkey I purchased from the grocery store deli on the way to dinner.

Remarkably, I lived to tell the tale. No one was angry. No one gave me a look of pity or annoyance. And, to my knowledge, no one ended up in therapy. Whatever I had imagined might result from my total disregard for others didn’t materialize. It was a ghost I let scare me into pressuring myself to make everything “just right”.

I’d say it was the ghost of Martha Stewart, but she’s alive and well and hanging out with Snoop Dog. Fo-shizzle.

Have you had a case of the “shoulds”? Who would you let down if you didn’t do what you “should”?

One of those “shoulds” used to be called “me time.” Maybe that term fed the negative connotation of the concept. It’s all about me, me, me, me.

And so what if it is?

We have gotten into the nasty habit of hyper-focusing on everything our children do. Are they entertained enough? Is their time being spent productively? Is there more I should be doing to maximize every waking moment of their existence?

We’ve tied our self-worth to how much we can cram into their lives, putting them on the fast track to an anxiety disorder. We’re projecting the “shoulds” onto them. They should play every sport. They should get straight A’s. They should have a play date twice a week. They should speak a second language.

I still struggle with the “shoulds” even though my kids are grown. The “shoulds” aren’t just limited to parenting. Or to being female. But we could all take a time out from them.

I’m not advocating that you lock your kids in a closet and spend all their school clothes money on a spa day, no matter how much their behavior at the breakfast table might make you want to. I’m suggesting that you spend some of your precious resources on making sure you don’t end up crying in the freezer section of the grocery store because they’re out of blue Popsicles.

Why? Because you matter. It’s just that simple.

Because you matter

I could tell you that you can’t care for others if you don’t take care of yourself, but that just taps into the guilt. You “should” go to a movie by yourself so you are happy enough to be present for your kids later.

No.

Go because you deserve two hours to yourself and to see a movie no one else in your family wants to see. Go because you don’t want to miss the best part of the movie while taking kids to the potty. Go because you deserve to eat all the popcorn or Red Vines.

Why do you deserve it? Other than because you’re human, you deserve it because of all the times you split a refillable bucket of popcorn and refillable soda with your kids or spouse so you didn’t have to fill out loan paperwork at the concession counter.

I used to neglect myself even more than I do now. Self-care is a lifelong conscious effort. Years ago, I had four kids under the age of five and took care of my aging in-laws and a husband who traveled constantly for work. I believed I should be constantly cleaning, organizing, cooking, doing laundry, driving carpool, crafting with the kids and managing everyone’s health care. I was responsible for nearly everything.

And I cracked. My case of the “shoulds” caused a breakdown. I had to rethink my world. As much as I loved my family, I had cast myself as Cinderella in my own fractured fairy tale.

Sound remotely familiar? Yes?

What now?

If you have a big budget of discretionary income, you have a lot of wonderful obvious options for trips, hobbies, spa treatments and shopping. No shame there. Use it and enjoy it. There are fantastic companies that specialize in solo travel, girls trips and sabbaticals.

But if you don’t have a lot of money to spend, you also have a lot of great options. The best self-care is free. It really is as simple as taking a few deep breaths or a short nap.

Let’s talk more about self-care ideas after we look at Kim’s Rules for Self-Care.

Ideas for better self-care

1. Practice Mindfulness and Meditation: Mindfulness exercises or meditation can help reduce stress, increases self-awareness, and promote mental clarity. You can enroll in yoga classes, but YouTube is full of videos where someone guides you through the exercises or thought process. Depends on your budget and your level of comfort.
2. Exercise Regularly: Engaging in physical activity not only improves your physical health but also releases endorphins, which are natural mood lifters. This is the hardest one for me. I love how I feel after I exercise, but it’s still hard to motivate myself to actually get on the treadmill. Some people work with personal trainers and join premium classes. More power to them! But more budget-friendly ideas include walking around your neighborhood or a park, following a workout on YouTube or TikTok, and doing exercises that capitalize on your body weight for resistance work. There are even special workout programs for people dealing with the aches, pains and lack of mobility common to our age group. Some are geared toward the over-60 crowd and only take a few minutes of your time.
3. Maintain a Healthy Diet: Eat more fruits, veggies, fiber and protein. Avoid processed foods, sugary snacks, and caffeine. Some of you shut this idea down immediately with the suggestion to avoid caffeine. I, myself, have a 3-soda-per-day habit. Self-care can be as simple as dropping that to a single can of soda a day and increasing my water intake.
4. Get Enough Sleep: Prioritize getting quality sleep each night. If you have undiagnosed sleep disorders, see a doctor. Turn off the TV, kick the dogs out of the bedroom, turn on some white noise and darken the room. If you have a C-pap machine, use it. Take a nap from time to time.
5. Read a Book: Escape into the world of a good book to relax your mind and engage your imagination. If the bathroom is your reading room, so be it. If all you can manage is a chapter a day, go read today’s chapter. If you have Alexa or Audible, listen to an audiobook.
6. Practice Gratitude: Take a moment each day to reflect on what you’re grateful for. This can help shift your focus toward the positive aspects of your life. Taking care of my house and yard is a lot of work but I am grateful for having a house and yard. I’m grateful for my dogs. And, as spotty as my health can be, I’m grateful for that too.
7. Spend Time in Nature: Spend time outdoors, whether it’s a walk in the park, a hike in the mountains, or simply sitting by a body of water. I love to garden. My husband loves to work on landscaping projects. Alone — on our own.
8. Engage in Creative Activities: Express yourself through creative outlets such as painting, drawing, writing, playing a musical instrument, or crafting. The options are endless.
9. Connect with Loved Ones: Spend quality time with family and friends who uplift and support you. Social connections are important for emotional well-being. Meet a friend for happy hour, have a conversation on Zoom (learn how to Zoom), invite friends over for dinner. Even exchanging a few texts helps me connect with my kids. It’s not the same as a conversation or a visit, but it’s better than radio silence.
10. Practice Deep Breathing: Deep breathing exercises can help reduce stress and anxiety by calming your nervous system. I do this several times a day. It is the cheapest, easiest and most effective anti-stress activity we have available to us.
11. Unplug from Technology: Turn off your phone, computer and TV. Purposely spend time in places with no connectivity. One of the joys of hiking, for example, is that no one can reach you and you can’t sit down on a rock and scroll through Facebook. You are forced to engage with your surroundings. We survived for thousands of years without these devices. You’ll survive a few hours.
12. Listen to Music: Find your jam. Music can help us readjust our attitudes. I have favorite songs for my entire range of emotions. I also sing…badly…alone. But it feels good to let it all out of my head regardless of how it sounds. People love the saying “Dance like no one is watching.” Yes, do that. But also, sing like everyone is deaf. Note: a wooden spoon is a great makeshift microphone.
13. Practice Self-compassion: Treat yourself with kindness and understanding, just as you would a friend. Say nice, supportive things to yourself. Stop yourself every time your inner voice tells you that you’re fat, worthless, stupid, weak, lazy or ugly. You know exactly how to push your own buttons and only you can tell your inner voice to go to hell.
14. Pamper Yourself: Treat yourself to self-care rituals that make you feel pampered. A massage is the obvious example. But you can take a bath, shave your legs, put a special concoction on your hair, or simply lie down with an ice pack across your eyes. Make yourself a gift basket of bath bombs, shower scrubs and other foo-foo products. It’s self-indulgent and that’s the point.
15. Set Boundaries: Learn to say no. You don’t have to join every board, drive every carpool, or make your world-famous cookies for every bake sale. You don’t have to make someone else’s emergency your own. I’m not saying you shouldn’t help other people or be there for the people you love. Remember, you might need help someday too. But you are not obligated to be everything to everyone.
16. Learn Something New: Spend time on activities or hobbies that stimulate your mind and encourage personal growth. You can watch tutorials on YouTube or you can take a formal class through a brick-and-mortar school or online through a vendor. Get a masters or take a basket-weaving class at the local community center. The post-pandemic world offers so much online. You could even teach someone something new. That works too.
17. Laugh: Watch a funny movie, listen to a comedy podcast, or spend time with people who make you laugh. With the internet and various streaming TV services, there’s tons of hilarious (or even just amusing) content available to all of us.
18. Practice Self-Reflection: Spend time journaling or reflecting on your thoughts, emotions, and goals. Start a blog or a podcast. You will learn more about yourself if you give voice to your passions and open a dialog with your inner self.

Show & Tell:
Painting is therapy

Courtney Wicker, age 53, shares the motivation behind “Disordered Art”

I started out crafting small things, then working up to wood/sculpture projects. Then I moved onto painting, just to have more things to do because my kids are grown and out on their own. The more I painted, the more I noticed a style coming through. I also realized I was putting conscious and unconscious thoughts into the pieces I painted. My struggles with an eating disorder and body dysmorphia led to the ‘Fat Art’ series.

One day, I was overwhelmed with body hatred, so I painted a girl with a fat butt. I liked how she came out, though, and just went with it. The circles and other shapes in plump bodies are beautiful. By the time I finished the series, I saw a prettiness and joy in their bodies. It made me feel like accepting my own body might lead to greater joy in life. People often think eating disorders are for young girls, but they affect men and women in all age groups. People our age are often overlooked and discounted in the disordered eating world.

After finishing a few works, I noticed I often painted a little mole over the lip of the subject. I have the same mole above my lip. It made me realize I was sending myself a message. The series with the little mole is called “J’suis,” which is French for “I am.” I started seeing peaceful expressions and noticed my backgrounds were also reflecting things I love the most. My favorite, I think, is Girl in the Library because all the book titles are specific to me and tell a story about me.

Occasionally I’ll paint something I really do not like and I will burn it, which has been cathartic. I didn’t paint until midlife. But my painting is a method of self-care on which I’ve come to rely.