Kimberly Wirtz Halloween is just about a month away and people are flocking to Spirit Halloween stores in droves. Kids today (did I really just say that?) have no clue about our childhood costume options. Five dollars at K-Mart and you had your plastic jumpsuit and face mask that made your face sweat. No creativity.
People are so much more creative these days and the options are endless. A quick Google search turns up pages and pages of websites with ideas for DIY costumes. But who wants to be the one-millionth witch or clown? Boring!
Instead, think outside the box. Here are few ideas that will make you a hit.
The Hot Flash
Dress in your sexiest outfit, smear your makeup, wet your armpits and carry a high-powered flashlight and a battery-powered handheld fan. If anyone gives you any lip, blind them.
The Empty Nester
Wear a bird suit and drink from an adult beverage hidden in a paper bag. Cry while you show people pictures of your kids. Then laugh like a giddy idiot while you show them pictures of your new craft room.
Middle-Age Danny and Sandy
Thanks to the popularity of Grease, we all had crushes on Danny and wanted to be Sandy (or vice versa). Thanks to Amazon, you can live out your childhood fantasy with free 2-day shipping. Danny should either be chewing Nicorette or wearing a canula and carrying a personal oxygen tank. Be sure Sandy’s tight pants are stretchy and have a tummy-control panel.
Viagra
Dress your man in light blue from head to toe. If he’s still upright after four hours of partying, call a doctor.
The Ghosts of Thelma and Louise
Easy costume to put together. Just takes mom jeans, sleeveless t-shirts, white face paint, and fake blood. Louise should wear a silk scarf over her head and carry the steering wheel from a 1966 T-bird. The only prop Thelma needs is a naked picture of Brad Pitt.
Joker Dad
Dress up as your favorite dad who can’t help but tell dad jokes everywhere he goes. Joker makeup, Dockers, a fanny pack and New Balance sneakers are all you need. Work the room with jokes like, “What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common? They’re both Paris sites.”
Obscure 70s Superhero
Choose any superhero from your childhood that no one under the age of 40 would recognize and rock that Halloween party nostalgic. Wonder Woman is too obvious. Think Electra Woman, Dyna Girl or Isis (not the terrorist group).
Eunice and Mama
Perfect costume for a mother and daughter, sisters or best friends. Mama should ask everyone at the party “Good Lord. What in the hell do you think you’re doing?” Hardest part will be finding a Eunice wig. Good luck with that.
Depressed Donna
Easiest costume of the bunch. In fact, it’s “come-as-you-are” for many of us. No shower, no makeup, dirty pajamas, slippers and bed head with a ratty blanket wrapped around you. Bonus: You get to eat your favorite ice cream straight out of the carton all night long.
The Gen X Golden Girls
You and your gal pals (or cross-dressing guy pals) wear wigs of 80s hairstyles, New Wave t-shirts with t-shirt clips and white boots with fringe. One of you brags about your high school sexual exploits. One of you is smart as a whip and only uses sarcasm. Another one is sweet as pie and dumb as a rock. And the last one tells everyone like it is and reminisces about the “old country,” which is her childhood hometown a mere 30 minutes away.
Be sure to post pictures of yourself in costume on the Once Upon a Midlife Facebook page — even if you don’t use one of these ideas. Share your creativity and humor. Inspire the rest of us. I can’t wait to see what you come up with!
